i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
