I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
