we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
