I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
