I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
