my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
