Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
