Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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