I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
