Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
