you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
why do cheetos always look like penises
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
