these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
