I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
