people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
