Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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