I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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