Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
