I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
