Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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