At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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