I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
