But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My bed smells like the plague
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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