I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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