i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
