i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
