you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
