They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
