This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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