Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
