I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
