I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Less talking, more tequila
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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