I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
