you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
