I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
