I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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