Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
