what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
