I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
