I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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