the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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