alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
