soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
