I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
