I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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