I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
