saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
