Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
