So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
BRING THE BAGELS
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
