just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
