i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
