Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
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