i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
