I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
