Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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